Wednesday, June 15
there is a fundamental difference between who i am, and who i want to be. basically, i want to be my sister. i was trying out a new song on the piano.. a whiter shade of pale.. when she came down the stairs and offered to play it once through for me.. after which i played it through myself. and i realised afresh why she's the science genius and i'm the pieceofshit in arts. no offence to my hwachong classmates. i'm just the pieceofshit in arts. yes. anyway. she plays very carefully, like how she does her work and lives life. note for note, the tempo just so, never a beat out of line. meticulous. detailed. and i, play the way
i live my life and do my work. very randomly. hell, i don't play all the notes. and not just because my fingers are too darned short. i just don't like following things to the letter. i need a little flexiblity, a little freedom, i need to dance to my own tune. even when someone else wrote the score. she plays every trill exactly as it was written; i incorporate whatever i feel like doing. half the time my brain's slower than my fingers, so i just act like it was in the score. it only works if i play before and not after her. and she is the successful one. 2 's' papers. omg if i can get 1 i'd die of happiness. 4 a's for promos. i bet i can't even get one for blocks. she's the one with the determination to lose weight while i bum around eating ben and jerry's. plus i can never get myself to study even with the book in front of me. i just stare at the same page for 2 hours, daydreaming about the might-have-beens and might-bes. i think it drives my parents insane. they know she'll bring home the results, but i'm the sort of daughter they'd catch painting her toenails with her notes in front of her, the day before the exam. i want to be like her. be her. careful. conscientious. everything my report book never said i was. why does it take so little to trigger off my endless inferiority complex?
it must've been love.
10:16 pm
xoxo
